The End.

When I first started modeling a little over a year ago, I was overwhelmed and enticed by the endless possibilities within the world of fashion and modeling. I wanted travel. I wanted personal growth. I wanted to be a part of a creative concept and possibly something much bigger than myself. But this industry doesn’t make me happy anymore. It hasn’t for many months now. And while I’ve been slowly coming to terms with this, I’ve been trying to think of any solution to my feelings about the situation – something that could be done to change my opinion or thoughts about the industry, or rather, my spot in the industry. 

I thought I convinced myself for a while that I could be happy as a model. But this business is as much of a mental game as it is a physical one, and mentally, I am not committed. 

This is the only life I have. I need to live it the way I want to, and own 100% of the decisions and actions within it. So I am taking back control of my body, my happiness, and ultimately, my life. Because modeling isn’t a part time job. That’s what many people don’t understand. Modeling isn’t even a full-time job. It’s a lifestyle. And it takes a 24 hour, 7 days a week commitment - a commitment I’m unwilling to make anymore. This job is not for everyone. This industry is not for everyone. Regretfully, it most certainly is not for me. 

I think the reason I stayed for so long is because I had a fear of regret that consumed me. I didn’t want to leave this industry without experiencing everything it had to offer to me. But the more I stay in this industry, doing something that doesn’t make me happy and is untrue to myself, the more I chance regretting not pursuing my true passions. Modeling did teach me several things, however. It made me value my family and friends and the unconditional love and support they provided me with. It taught me the power of beauty and fashion. It expanded my horizons. It introduced me to people I would’ve never had the opportunity to meet. And it made me feel bigger than myself and humbled, simultaneously. 

I realize that modeling is a huge opportunity. I realize I’ve had many opportunities a lot of people would kill for. I don’t take any of that for granted. I am incredibly appreciative of the opportunities I’ve had. I’m incredibly appreciative of everything my agency has done for me over the last year. In fact, had it not been for them in addition to the continuous love and support of my friends and family, I would have been out of this business a long time ago. This has nothing to do with anyone other than me. And because of that, no one can influence this decision. It is owned by me. 

Thank you for the kindness, encouragement, support, and friendship you’ve given to me over the last year. My journey would not have been the same without you.

Alyssa

The L Word.

'It isn't my job to make you a better man and I don't give a shit if I've made you a better man. It's not a fucking woman's job to be consumed and invaded and spat out so that some fucking man can evolve.'

Day One!

Today's the day, friends! The first day of the World MasterCard Fashion Week.

To check out what shows are happening when, click here.

Today I'm walking in Korhani and Pavoni - two very different designers, but definitely two that I most wanted to be a part of. Last season, Korhani featured an Alice and Wonderland theme and, for those of you who are unfamiliar with Korhani, all of their outfits are made out of rugs. This season is sure to exceed the last! .. Can't wait to blog more about these guys after the show!


Satisfy my Soul

The Virgin Suicides

And so we started to learn about their lives,...   
..coming to hold collective memories of times we hadn't experienced.   
We felt the imprisonment of being a girl, the way it made your mind dreamy...   
..so you ended up knowing what colours went together.   
We knew the girls were really women in disguise,...   
..that they understood love and even death,...   
..and that our job was merely to create the noise that seemed to fascinate them.  
We knew that they knew everything about us.   
And that we couldn't fathom them at all.  

The 9 most beautiful, untranslatable words - according to me.

Mamihlapinatapei (Yagan)

"The wordless, yet meaningful look shared by two people who both desire to initiate something but are both reluctant to start.”

Cafuné (Brazilian Portuguese)

“The act of tenderly running one’s fingers through someone’s hair.”

Jayus (Indonesian)

"A joke so poorly told and so unfunny that one cannot help but laugh."

Duende (Spanish)

"The mysterious power that a work of art has to deeply move a person"

Ya’aburnee (Arabic)

Literal Translation: "You bury me"
'A declaration of one’s hope that they’ll die before another person because of how difficult it would be to live without them.'

Hyggelig (Danish)

Literally described as a feeling that must be experienced to be known. Associated with the warm, fuzzy feelings one would likely experience when with good friends around a campfire and a cold beer (or 5).

Saudade (Portuguese)

"The feeling of longing for something or someone that you love and which is lost."

Wabi-Sabi (Japanese)

"A way of living that focuses on finding beauty within the imperfections of life"

Dépaysement (French)

"The feeling that comes from not being in one's home country."


Satisfy my Soul

Life in a Day

A good friend of mine gave me her Netflix password last semester after watching a movie called 'Broken English,' a movie she insisted related to her life. It did, undeniably so. She told me to watch it, as in many ways, our perspectives on the world, love, relationships, and time (or lack of it) are very similar. So I watched it. To say that I was touched would be an understatement. I could see myself in the movie. In the characters. So when she suggested a movie, 'Life in a Day', of course I watched it. 'Life in a Day' is a documentary in which people from all around the world film their day on July 24, 2010, from beginning to end. Throughout their day, they answer three questions:

What is in your pocket/purse?
What do you love?
What do you fear?

The movie ends with a woman speaking about how she filmed her entire day, and nothing exciting happened. She speaks of how she is just an average girl, with an average life, who isn't interesting enough to know about. But she wants to be. She doesn't want to 'cease to exist'. After watching the entire documentary, after seeing people from all around the world living their lives so differently from start to finish, something really clicked in my mind. How could this woman think that this day in her life was so dull, when so much happened in the world around her? People died. People gave birth. Babies were born. People fought for their lives. People fought for the lives of the people they love. People fought to survive, to feed their children, to see another day. People got married, renewed vows, eloped. People lost jobs. People worked hard. People achieved a goal. People were injured and people recovered. People prayed. People loved. People lost.

So, I asked myself these three questions. Here are the answers:

Q: What is in your pocket/purse?

A: Pocket: bobbypin, TTC transfer
Purse: driver's license, health card, debit card, credit card, passport, SPC card, Sirens card, Plum Rewards card, phone, taxi receipts, keys to my apartment, a locket, $36.57 Canadian, $13.87 American, three TTC tokens, a pair of heels, portfolio, lip gloss, a letter from my grandparents, camera, Vaseline, two pens (both black), bobbypins, and a hair elastic.

Q: What do you love?

A: I love spending time with the people I love. I love simplicity. I love laughing, with or without people. I love my best friend. I love summer nights on the beach. I love the smell of vanilla, campfires, the country, bubblegum, the mixture of shampoo and body wash in the shower, men, L'Oreal Hairspray, fresh laundry, the saltiness in the air near an ocean, white musk, gasoline, and freshly cut grass. I love my body. I love how animals make me happy instantaneously. I love the comfort of a familiar hug. I love literature, writing, and fine arts. I love trying new things. I love coming home after being away and seeing the room that I grew up in and how it hasn't changed. I love that my friend circle from home has never changed. I love hearing people's stories. I love giving advice. I love that my parents always act like they haven't seen me in months. I love falling asleep to the sound of rain. There are so many more things that I could add to this list I'm sure.. but I'll cut it off here for now.

Q: What do you fear?

A: I'm going to skip over my list of pathetic fears (including dolls, thunderstorms, tight spaces, and open water) and move right into the ones that I don't often vocalize: I fear letting down the people I care most about. I fear hurting the people I love. I fear loneliness. I fear being unable to differentiate myself between my job title and my true self; I fear that other people won't be able to, either. I fear not achieving everything I hope to achieve in order for me to feel successful. I fear losing the people I love the most.

If you are able to watch 'Life in a Day,' do so. It certainly made me realize a few things. If you can't watch it, then perhaps think of the answers to the three questions asked above. Perhaps you'll learn something about yourself.

Satisfy my Soul

This is my life.

'I still wanna be the leader of the f**kin' free world.'

Well hello there lovely people of the world! A lot has happened in the last week that I'm oh-so excited to share with you! I was considering developing a blog for each individual thing, but I think they are so much more exciting when they are all feeding off of each other. SO, without further adieu:

Tuesday, January 25, 2012:

My agent called me this morning to inform me that I was being considered for a huge opportunity. A 10-page spread in Elle Canada Magazine, Canada's leading fashion magazine. CRAZY. If I were to obtain the position, I would be heading to Montreal the next morning via VIA (see what I did there? ;) ). A few hours went by and a received the call I had been waiting for. I booked the job! I wish I had a video of my reaction to the news. After half jumping/half dancing excitedly, I was informed that I was meeting with fashion designers, Stephen and Kirk, of Greta Constantine the next morning for a fitting for their SS '12 look book, and then catching the train to Montreal at 11:30am. I was so thrilled to have been provided with the opportunity to shoot for Elle and have the opportunity to be a part of the look book for Greta Constantine.

Wednesday, January 26, 2012:

I met with Stephen and Kirk at 10am and tried on some beautiful pieces from their SS '12 collection. I love seeing designers who are so passionate and dedicated to their art and was elated to be in the presence of such people. I left to the train station after my fitting and endured a 6 hour-long train ride to Montreal. After arriving, I headed to Ruda Bagage, a quaint B&B located on Saint-Rose. The room was beautiful, with an dresser that extended from floor to ceiling, a king size bed with plenty of pillows and cozy blankets, and drapes hanging from the walls. I ended up watching some reality TV to pass the time (which shows, might you ask? I'll never tell. I'm too ashamed.) Eventually I went to sleep.

Thursday, January 27, 2012:

We shot from 8:30am - 4:30pm. The team was SO amazing and made such an effort to make me feel comfortable and included by speaking English as much as they possibly could. The concept was amazing, and while I can't go into much detail, what I can say is that I thoroughly enjoyed myself and am proud of the pictures that came from the day. You can find them in the June issue of Elle Canada Magazine :) After finishing up with Elle, I said my 'goodbyes' ..er.. 'au revoirs' and headed to the Greyhound station.

Friday, January 28, 2012:

My bus got back into Toronto in the early hours of the morning, and I headed home to sleep for a few hours before heading to the Greta Constantine look book shoot later in the morning. The pieces from their collection were so beautiful and I was so thankful to be able to have the opportunity to showcase their beauty. Stay tuned for more details of this look book shoot later ;)

Tuesday, January 31, 2012:

This morning I got up bright and early to shoot the SS'12 Mendocino look book! Click here for a sneak peak ;) The day was filled with more beautiful clothing, with several pieces that I became particularly fond of, and a fantastic team. We started at 7:30am and finished just before 4:30 in the afternoon. When you are surrounded by fun, energetic people, the day really does fly by. I am so grateful to Mendocino for providing me with the opportunity to be apart of such an amazing day.


Every day I wake up and find myself thinking, 'I have the most amazing life. I am provided with the most amazing opportunities. I am surrounded by the most amazing, loving, and supportive people.' This blog post outlines what the last week has been kind enough to provide me with. I truly cannot wait to see what the future has in store.

Satisfy my Soul

Me, Myself, and I.

I am here. I am living for only me.

Does that make me selfish or smart?

Having someone to understand me and motivate me.. or simply to call me on my bullshit.. doesn't seem so important anymore. Not if it means never meeting 'rock bottom' or experiencing defeat. I'm not looking for someone to sugarcoat things. I'm not looking for someone to catch me before I plummet down into some unforeseen abyss. This is an adventure I have yet to experience on my own and in an effort to re-familiarize myself with myself as its own entity, I think it's necessary to maintain the support system that I have, without depending on it entirely. I think it's necessary to act without thinking. I think it's necessary to make mistakes and learn my own lessons so that I can grow and mature as a person. I don't need someone to stand by me close, protecting me from the world, I need someone to understand that the relationship that I have with myself is the one that needs the most time and dedication. Until I truly understand what I expect for myself, from myself, I will never truly be able to understand what I expect for myself from others.

I enjoy being alone, and I'm not scared of being lonely, because I never truly am. For that, I am grateful. I enjoy being alone, because it encourages self-sufficiency and independence. I am not a recluse, by any definition of the word, but I do enjoy being with my own thoughts and feelings from time to time. After all, who is going to be able to understand my own thoughts and feelings better than me?

So again, I ask, does living for oneself make them appear to be selfish, or intelligent? I think the overall concept is difficult to understand, because we are creatures of a social nature. We are raised in schools to socialize us, go on play dates to make friends, join clubs to find friends with similar interests, and eventually we date people to find who we are compatible with and the qualities we look for in a long-term partner. I'm not against this. In fact, I support relationships with people..whether it's a friendship, familial relationship, work relationship, or romantic relationship. I just feel that we are taught of the importance of the relationships listed above, and are rarely ever reminded of the most important relationship of all. The one with ourselves.

-Satisfy my Soul

Frozen Alabaster

Good afternoon my loves! It's a rather rainy day here in New York.. I'm currently sitting in a Starbucks on the corner of 17th and 1st.. I imagine I'll be here for the next couple of hours. I'm heading back to my beloved Toronto today.. I fear I'll have to break the news that I've fallen in love with another city. I hope he doesn't take it too hard..

Tuesday I arrived at La Guardia Airport at 8am. I spent the first couple of hours exploring the neighbourhood around my hotel at 17th and 3rd. This Starbucks is actually where I began this adventure. Yay for adventures! After wandering for a couple of hours, I made my way back to the hotel to await the arrival of Elmer, who was to be meeting me at 11am. The check-in time at the hotel wasn't until 3pm, but because the receptionist saw that I was lingering awkwardly in the corridor, he had my room prepared early. I dragged all of my luggage to the 7th floor (thank goodness for elevators..). My room was very small. Elmer compared it to a hotel room in Paris. Truly it was all I needed - a space of my own.

The view from my window was lovely. There was a quaint park to the left, and a beautiful clock tower and church to the right. I'm truly a nerd when it comes to architecture. New York is a dream come true for artsy, architecture-loving nerds like me. I cannot wait to indulge in the architectural delights of Europe in the future!





After Elmer arrived, we spent the day meeting with agencies in an effort to find one to represent me in New York. It needed to be an agency that I loved, that also loved me. It's difficult to be excited about an agency that isn't excited about you. There were two agencies that I met with that I got a fantastic vibe from. One I had met with before and the other was brand new to me. I fell in love with both of them, for different reasons.

The waiting game is not a game I am fond of, nor is it a game of which I am particularly skilled. In fact, I think it's accurate to say I'm one of the most impatient individuals known to man, so waiting for anything, particularly the future of my career, is not something I thrive in. I booked another night at my hotel, and spent yesterday exploring the city with my lovely tour guide, Amanda Laine. Amanda is such a sweet, down-t0-earth girl, despite all of her successes within this industry. We walked the width of the island, having lunch with her friend at Chelsea Market. She took me to SoHo, on the subway, and finally back to her apartment building, which had a spectacular view of the city.

On the left, she has a stunning view of the Empire state building and Ground Zero, and on the right she has a breathtaking view of the Brooklyn bridge. Seeing all of the old, cobblestone side streets, historical landmarks, and ancient architecture really made me excited to eventually end up in this city.

After the 'tour', I headed back to the hotel to get ready to later meet Amanda and her friends for dinner. We headed to Westside Tavern before heading to Koi, a beautiful Japanese restaurant where the owner treated us to dinner. I had seaweed salad and grilled tofu and veggies, drizzled in a ginger sauce. It was fantastic. I felt truly fortunate and appreciative to have had this experience. After dinner, we headed to Avenue. Though I had to get up relatively early this morning to have another meeting with one of the agencies I fell in love with, I knew that I had to experience a night out on the town in New York City..even if it was brief.

All in all, my couple of days in New York were definitely memorable. I am taking a Greyhound bus back to Toronto tonight, and will arrive bright and early tomorrow morning. I'm sad to be leaving this city that I've only just started to get to know, but thankfully I won't be gone for long ;)

Thank you for sticking with me on this journey, friends. Your constant love and support means more to me than you could know. Stay tuned!

Satisfy my Soul

Another Alien on Broadway

Hello my lovely friends!

I am currently sitting in the Buffalo airport..approximately an hour and 45 minutes too early. I'm not complaining though! This time to myself is giving me the opportunity to be productive via blogging, emailing, Facebook-ing, and journaling. I've never seen an airport so empty! I need to fly out of Buffalo more often, clearly.

My mom gave me a hug after walking me to security and at first I didn't think she was going to release me from her grasp. I almost didn't want her to. I've never flown by myself before and I hadn't realized how much security and comfort her embrace had provided me with throughout the years. But, I'm here. I'm thrilled to be here..and I'm so excited to see what today has in store.

I've been to NYC once before.. but it was in grade 11 and for a school trip.. so it was chaperoned, very planned and touristy - a travel style that will not work if I'm to uphold any part of my resolution of not planning and living spontaneously.

There's a loud saxophone playing over the speakers here.. The Black Keys isn't quite loud enough to cover it up, so it's creating an awkward remix of sorts. Oh well. I suppose that's all I've got right now. Hopefully the hotel has wifi so I can blog again tonight. We shall see though. In the mean time, pray that my plane doesn't crash, and I'll pray that you all are having a wonderful day in class, at internships, work, lounging, etc.

-Satisfy my Soul

2011: A reflection

2011 was very much a journey of self-discovery and self-love for me. I was tested by a variety of trials and tribulations that I can now appreciate as things that have only made me a stronger person. I was also tested by a lot of things emotionally. At one point, I found myself faced with a situation that required me to make a rather important decision. This wasn't a decision I took lightly. I sought a variety of opinions from the people who are closest to me - the people whose opinions I trust and value the most. There were a lot of mixed thoughts circulating around; I didn't want to disappoint anyone. Eventually I came to the realization that this wasn't a decision that could be owned by anyone other than me.

For those of you who know me well, you know I'm about as indecisive as a squirrel crossing the road. 2011 was filled with situations that didn't always allow for my naturally indecisive nature. In fact, I was forced to make a lot of split-second, yet solidified decisions. I think that living a spontaneous life is always exciting; however, I also think it is incredibly challenging. I spent a great deal of time with people who helped me appreciate the spontaneity of life and for those people, I am extremely grateful.

I learned a lot about myself over the last year. I learned that I am strong, capable, and ready to leave the cozy box I call 'home' in favor of adventure. I learned that the relationship an individual has with him/herself is the most important and loving relationship, and all other relationships seem to fall together when you aren't depending on the love of another person to feel good about yourself. I learned that everyone is flawed and that's why we are all so unique and beautiful. I learned that it isn't fair to hold someone with poor balance on a pedestal; we seem to be a lot more disappointed when these people fall down. I've learned that the people we want are not necessarily the people we need, but who's to know if you never try? I've learned that 'why?' requires a much more difficult answer than 'why not?' and that hard work most definitely pays off. I think the most important lesson I learned in 2011 is that it’s okay to be scared as long as this fear doesn’t rule one’s life.

I don’t make resolutions, because I’m well aware of my inability to keep them. However, in 2012 I will continue to live in the present, focus on the important things and less on the trivial things, say ‘yes’ as much as possible, and continue to learn more about myself and the world around me.

I hope you all had a wonderful time bringing in the new year and that you use 2012 for new beginnings, new opportunities, and renewed passions. Cheers, friends.

Satisfy my Soul

To the graduating class of 2012..

I’m fortunate enough to have had the most amazing year of my life (to date) in 2011. I truly am appreciative in knowing that there are so many people who love and support me; I cherish them more than they could possibly know.

With my last week of school officially behind me, we begin our journey into the daunting ‘real world’. 2011 was a year of self-love and self-knowledge for me. But this is not a reflection of this past year – that comes later ;)

I remember being ridiculously intimidated when I first began the PR program at Humber. I was straight out of high school – one of the youngest in my class. I was quite a lot shyer then, than I am now, which made meeting people quite a bit difficult for me. Spencer, you were the first one to talk to me! I suppose I sort of clung to you, Eugene, Sarah, Emily for a while after that. I’m thrilled that I had the opportunity to get to know you all better and party with you on several different occasions. You are some of the sweetest and most genuine people I’ve ever had the opportunity of meeting. You’re kind-hearted and dedicated and I truly value all of the support and friendship you’ve provided me with over the last 2 ½ years.

I’m not a trusting person and the relationships that I do build, I build slowly and with care. It is these genuine friendships that I value so dearly. Allyson, Melissa, and Sean, you have contributed so much to my post-secondary experience. Sean, I’m so thankful that we had the opportunity to work together at Humber Students’ Federation. I know that we wouldn’t be nearly as close as we are now had we not been given that opportunity. You’re one of my biggest support systems and are always willing to listen to what I have to say without judgment. I value your opinion and your advice a lot more than I value my own at times. Thank you for being hilarious, sweet, compassionate, and honest. Your sincerity and your passion will take you so far and I can’t think of anyone who deserves it more. Our friendship is one that I will take with me as I move forward and I hope you do the same.

Allyson! You befriended me first year for our very first group project. You saw me at my worst (on several occasions), encouraged me when I was at my best, and pushed me to succeed. You’re hilarious, stubborn, intelligent, thoughtful, and destined to succeed. You keep me on my toes and I always look forward to hearing your adventures. A lot of the laughs I experienced over the last 2 ½ years, I experienced with you. For example:

Jennifer: What’s the first thing you think of when you think of Remembrance Day? *points at me*
Me: Remembrance.

And…

Melissa: I like your lipstick today.
You: ..I’m not wearing lipstick..

I think this program has allowed you to find your calling.
…as a barista at Starbucks! …I kid. I know you’re going to be so successful at whatever you choose to do and I can’t wait to hear about your adventures as you begin this new chapter in your life. I’m going to miss you, but I know that we’ll stay in touch as we move forward to bigger and better things.

Melissa! First off, I would like to begin by saying that I still have your PUMA bag. Awkward. When I see you before I leave, I shall give that to you :P Moving on! In addition to loving your style and hair, I truly value the friendship and support you’ve given me over the duration of this program. There were some group projects that I don’t think I could’ve survived had you not been there for me to vent to, or provide me with a source of sanity. You’re funny, compassionate, intelligent, and tenacious. You’re going to do so well in this industry. The stories that you always have to share with me bring such joy to my life. I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so hard. You’re one of my closest friends and I don’t know how I would’ve gotten through the program without you. In fact, had it not been for your ‘Alyssa, I need you to start this!’ I probably would’ve put off Annette’s final assignment until the morning of. Haha. I can’t wait to hear about all of your adventures as you enter your internship in the ‘real world’!

I could not be more thankful to have experienced the last couple of years with everyone. Thank you so much for your friendship, your encouragement, and your constant support. I know that you will all be successful in whatever area of public relations you decide to pursue. If you decide you want to be a TTC driver, I’m sure you’ll succeed in that, too. I’ll be even more supportive if you let me abuse the system and use the TTC for my favourite price: free ;)

I look forward to following your careers, creeping you on Facebook, LinkedIn, and Twitter, and I hope you will all stay in touch as you move forward to make your mark on the world.

So, friends, here’s to the years behind us, the years ahead of us, and the friendships and memories I could never forget.

Growing Up.

“Lollipops turn into cigarettes. The innocent become jaded. Homework goes in the trash. Mobile phones are being used in class. Detention becomes suspension. Soda becomes vodka. Bikes become cars. Kisses turn into sex. Remember when getting high meant swinging on the playground? When ‘protection’ mean wearing a helmet? When the worst things you could get from boys were cooties? Dad’s shoulders were the highest place on earth and mom was your hero? Your worst enemies were your siblings..race issues were about who ran the fastest – war was only a card game? The only drug you knew was cough medicine and wearing a skirt didn’t make you provocative? The most pain you felt was when you skinned your knees, and goodbyes only meant until tomorrow? And we couldn’t wait to grow up..”

This may be true.. but why does growing up have to be viewed in such a negative light? What about all of the opportunities growing up provides us with? So, with the Christmas season coming up, exams wrapping up, and the real world looming in the distance, the stubborn Generation Y - born - Aries in me retaliates with the following:

Forks turn into chopsticks. The inexperienced turn into the wise. Homework becomes the piece of work that could land you a job. Mobile phones prevent you from getting lost. Detention doesn't exist. Pop is something we rely on to keep us awake, or mix with our favourite alcohol. Bikes become the environmentally-friendly way to travel. Kisses turn into first loves and life lessons. To some, 'getting high' still means swinging on the playground... When 'protection' means having knowledge that the world is scary, but that it's still possible to feel safe. When the best thing you can get from boys is commitment and genuine emotion. Dad's shoulders carry the weight of the world and mom is still there to wipe our tears and kiss our 'boo-boos'. You outgrow your 'worst enemies.' Race issues are slowly being overcome. War provides opportunity for change. The drugs we know now can save lives. Skirts can be classy and professional. The most pain you felt is when you let yourself down, and 'goodbye' is simply having the courage to move on.

So as I approach the new year, I do so with positive thoughts, a calm mind, and a confident attitude. The future provides opportunity. "If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. No one said this would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it."

-Satisfy my Soul

HEY WORLD.

Why hello friends!
It's been quite a while since I've updated anything.. I've been far too busy with work, school, and sleeping. Sleeping has become my naughty mistress (in male form?). Ahhhh. I sneak off to him whenever I can.

There are a lot of exciting things happenings in my life! In approximately three weeks, I'll be done all of my in-class FOREVER. Well.. unless I decide to further pursue education in the future.. in which case, TEMPORARILY! ..It doesn't quite have the same drama associated with it, but who needs drama in their lives anyways? Not I. In addition to finishing school and moving back home until January (which I'm ecstatic about, for those of you who are the people I care so much about back home), I'm going to be facing a few other adventures in the new year.

Those who are closest to me know what I'm referring to, and the rest will become more aware when the time draws near. I don't want to jinx anything just yet! I'm so excited. Though I've doubted my decisions on occasion, I think the only reason I've been hesitant to take on these new challenges is because I was so set in the 'life plan' that I developed a couple of summers ago.
I wanted to do my internship in New Zealand with Ogilvy PR. While I was there, I was going to take my TESSL certificate online and then move to Thailand to teach English as a second language to young business professionals. Eventually I wanted to move back and start my own PR firm, start my own not-for-profit organization, and then come back and teach as a professor at Humber.

What can I say? I had a lot of time on my hands and I knew exactly what I wanted to see my life become. I still plan on accomplishing several of these things, but I'm not so set in my ways anymore. A few people have entered my life who have helped teach me that it's okay to be intimidated by the future and by change, as long as I am equally as elated by it. I've been shown that living spontaneously is more exciting. I've learned that it's okay to need people; it doesn't make me any less independent. In fact, having the ability to admit that I do need people may make me vulnerable, but it also makes me strong.

At this point, I'm just interested in seeing where the next few months take me. I'll try to update more frequently as time go on. Once school is done and I move back home, I'll have a lot more time on my hands.

Good luck with exams and have fun entering the holiday season! (Am I getting ahead of myself? :P)

-Satisfy my Soul

New York, New York!

"She got out of town,
On a railway New York bound.
Took all except my name..
Another alien on Broadway.

Baby, baby, baby, when all your love is gone,
Who will save me from all I'm up against out in this world?
Maybe, maybe, maybe you'll find something that's enough to keep you,
But if the bright lights don't receive you,
You should turn yourself around and come on home."

I have a ticket to New York City for January 10th and I have no idea as to when I'll be back in the comfort of my lovely Toronto or my loved ones. My parents made a valid point as they asked if I was sure I wanted to go..
"It's not a train ride away.. we can't come to visit you, or you come to visit us, whenever you'd like." Touche.

But I'm an independent person in need of adventure and spontaneity. What's more spontaneous than showing up in New York not knowing where I'll be living? This is the life I chose to live. I still haven't told all of the people that mean the most to me about it. Not because I fear that I won't have their support, but because I fear being away from them and talking about it makes it real. Words turn into actions.

Yet the thought of being in another country (even if it is a neighbouring country) and looking at the same sky, the same sun, the same moon, and the same stars as the people I care the most about is enough to make me wish I was there this instant. I've always wanted to be apart of something so much bigger than myself. I feel like this is an opportunity for that. This is the beginning of the next chapter of my life.. and I know that those who care about me most, that I adore as well, won't abandon me on my journey.

-Satisfy my Soul

Don't Think, Just Feel.

I’m so scared. The first week of January is so close. Two months away. Why does time have to fly so swiftly? Just as things have been looking up in all aspects of my life. Why did I have to fall for something that I knew would eventually prevent me from falling for someone?

I feel so low. But I shouldn’t…and I know that I shouldn’t. These are opportunities that people would be so envious to have. I am living a life I am truly blessed to have the chance to experience. So why is it so hard for me to accept that this is what I’m supposed to be doing? Maybe because the time I spend with my loved ones has truly become the most precious thing in my world? Maybe because I fear not living up to the expectations others have set for me, or worse, not living up to the expectations I’ve set for myself. I only want to make my loved ones proud. But why is it that once I finally get something I’ve been longing for, something comes and tries to snatch it away, as if to say ‘this was never yours to begin with.’

The thought of being in a different country away from the people I care so deeply for, truly pains me. I feel an aching in my core that can only be compared to the feeling of loss. Because I feel that by leaving, I’ll surely lose the simplicity of my relationships. I may lose some relationships altogether. Certainly I believe that distance makes the heart grow fonder, and I feel closer to those I see less, because I crave them more when I’m away. But what if my relationships are threatened due to my career? I’ve always been so career-oriented, and now that my career is staring me in the face, and my relationships are standing over my shoulder, giving me the largest ultimatum, I don’t know where I stand.

-Satisfy my Soul

The End of Fashion Week

My very first Fashion Week has come to an end. In addition to feeling exhausted, I feel a little saddened that I have to wait another six months before I get to participate in another Fashion Week.

My week was filled with a lot of late nights, early mornings, and TTC tokens. In addition to walking at fashion week, I had midterms to study for and write. It was stressful and tiring, but it was so worth it.

The designers that I walked for were so passionate and dedicated to their craft. It was incredibly inspiring to see. I think the moment that I realized I was a part of someone's vision occurred to me when designer, Sid Neigum, was punching holes into the leather straps of the shoes he and his uncle had hand-crafted, to ensure a custom-fit for my foot. He made the shoe fitted to my foot - I felt like an important asset to his collection. I love seeing artists at work. I find it to be truly moving and real, yet so simplistic.

So fashion week has ended. I went home on the weekend to visit my family members who had come to Ontario for a family reunion. I didn't know half of the people who were there, but it was beautiful seeing my mom, aunts, and uncles interact with the family members from their childhood. Overall, it was a nice way to spend my time out of the city, surrounded by people I care about, who care about me, and by reminiscing about fond memories.

-Satisfy my Soul

LG Fashion Week

Life is hectic. Ridiculously hectic. Not that I'm complaining.. it's certainly contributed to my appreciation of the small things I'm so fortunate to have experienced.

Toronto Fashion Week officially starts tomorrow. I'm ridiculously nervous and excited, all at the same time. As of now, I'm walking in four shows.

1. Amanda Lew Kee
2. Joeffer Caoc
3. Chloe Comme Parris
4. Pink Tartan

The first three are on Tuesday and the fourth is on Wednesday. I'm really excited to experience LGFW and all that it has to offer from the perspective of a model. I can't wait to meet new people, reunite with others, and add another piece of life experience to my list.

Everyone I've been working with and meeting has been so welcoming and friendly. Seeing people who are so passionate about their art is truly inspiring to me. I admire these people more than they know.

I've been thinking about a lot lately. A lot of things are going to be changing in my life over the next few months. For once, I don't have a plan. I don't have control. And while this lack of control terrifies me, it exhilarates me to the core as well. Why? Because, while I've always had the tendency to be impulsive, I've always suppressed my desires in favour of doing things the 'safe' way, or the 'familiar' way. Sure, safe and familiar are comfortable places to be, but how can I be expected to learn more about myself and the world around me if I'm stuck in the same safe and familiar places forever? It's really not possible. For once, I don't know what's going to happen over the next 5 months. For once, I don't know where I'll be living, where I'll be working, or what I'll be thinking. And for once, I'm okay with not knowing.. because not knowing means nothing can go wrong. Not knowing means there is openness to change. Not knowing means not having expectations set by myself or by others for me. And with these thoughts, I am perfectly content.

-Satisfy my Soul

I'm Thankful...

I have so much to be thankful for. So much that I didn't think I could fit it all into one Facebook status, so I decided to blog about the things I am thankful for instead. Granted, there's no way I'll be able to put everything in here, but I'm sure going to try my best. Here goes!

I'm thankful for...

The special people in my life who care for me, and I care so deeply for.
My adopted cat, Boots.
My overall good health.
The roofs I have over my head in both Toronto and Tillsonburg.
Every person I have met who has influenced me, moved me, confronted me, challenged me, loved me, hated me, or other. You have all taught me valuable lessons.
The beautiful city I live in and have a renewed passion for.
The opportunities that have 'come out of the woodwork' and presented themselves to me.
My best friend.
My roommates.
My sister.
My mom and dad.
All of my family, far and near.
Laci, even though you are a grumpy cat.
Bailey, for even though you left us in September, you stayed around for 14 and a half years to watch Kayla and I grow up. You were there to comfort us in low times, give an excited wag of the tail in happy times, and comically raise your eyebrows innocently when you knew you were guilty of stealing a sock from the poolside.
My Malibu.
My trip to Cuba earlier in the year and all of the other vacations I have been on in the past.
Distance that has made me feel closer to the people I care about.
My education - the fact that I have one in-class semester to go before I'm out in the 'real world'.
My agency and everyone within it, who have all been so welcoming and encouraging throughout a process which is so very new to me.
The people who motivate me and push me to succeed; the people who believe in me.
The people who have shown so much love and support towards me, especially over the last year.
The organizations who bring hope to lost people.
World Vision for providing me with a sense of purpose and renewed zest for life through my sponsorship of Darwin.
Willow Creek Stables for allowing me to reconnect with a part of my past I had truly been longing for.
CAMI/GM for providing me with employment throughout the summer so that I was not bored out of my mind.
The photographers, stylists, make up artists, hair stylists, designers, and other models I have had the opportunity to meet and work with - you are truly inspiring, talented people.
My body - for being strong and enduring everything I've put it through.
My mind. The mind is its own place and in itself can turn a heaven of hell, into a hell of heaven.
Books. Specifically: The Tipping Point, The Secret, Eat, Pray, Love, Unbearable Lightness, and The Tattoo Chronicles.
Technology, for introducing people and reuniting others.
Long Point - for me to crash at my friends' cottages, drink on the beach, lay in the sun, sail on the lake, play drinking games, watch Just Friends and LOTR, and eat deep-fried pickles.
The Lord of the Rings trilogy (including movies).
Netflix.
Indecisiveness.
Choices.
Options.
Honesty.
Genuine emotion.
Passion.
Commitment.
Anger.
Arguments.
'Sorry'.
Romance.
Late nights and good conversation with the right person/people.
Cuddling.
Compassion.
People who understand/try to understand me.
People who don't give up. If you give up one thing, you'll give up on anything.
People who stand up for what they believe in.
People who tell me when I'm wrong.
People who can admit when they're wrong.
Veggie 'meat'
The people who believe there is still good in the world.
The people who try to be the good in the world.
Positive people.
Weddings - People who vow to stay united.
Alcohol - because sometimes it's nice to go batshit crazy.
Music - for making me smile, laugh, cry, dance, and think.
Simplistic beauty.
The appreciation of simplistic beauty.
All art.
My artistic abilities.
The unconditional love and positive energy that surrounds me constantly.


Truly, I am blessed.

-Satisfy my Soul

When I Die.

I had an interesting assignment in my Fundraising class that I finished the other day. I thought I'd post it because it made me question a lot of what is swirling around in my mind these days. The assignment was to create a will and write a brief description of how creating a will made us feel. Below are the thoughts and feelings I encountered while generating my will for this assignment.


I found it incredibly difficult to create a will. Not necessarily because the task itself was difficult, but because thinking about what you’re going to do if, God forbid, something should happen to you, and actually putting it on paper are two completely different things.

When I laid out my life, my assets, my future, I realized I have no idea where I plan on being 20, 30, or even 10 years from now. I used to know. Writing this will forced me to think about my future. Where do I see myself? Do I want create a family? Be somebody’s wife? Somebody’s mom? Or do I want to be the career-oriented woman I was so set on being for as long as I can remember? Could I be both? Am I going to have a vehicle or use public transportation? Am I going to live in a condo high above the city? Or the suburbs in a friendly, quiet neighbourhood? Am I going to adopt more pets? Am I going to invest my money in stocks? Am I going to be able to control my spending habits and be less of an impulsive shopper than I am now? Will anybody even want what I have to offer when I do die? These are only a few of the dozens of questions that swirled around in my head as I stared at the blank sheet of paper that was my will-to-be.

When it came to deciding what charity I wanted to donate some of my assets to, I found myself thinking about whether I wanted to donate to a charity I was passionate about, or one that would make me look like a better individual upon passing. I thought about which charities would benefit the largest amount of people. I thought about who the money would be benefiting from different charities. Were these charities ones that I felt passionate enough about, that I knew enough about to donate to? This wasn’t $10 or $20 I was planning on donating. This was a lot of my future life’s earnings. I needed to be informed. Not only did I need to be informed, I needed to be assured that I was donating to causes that I believed in, causes that I felt passionately about. Not causes that would make me look like a saviour or causes that would name a hospital wing after me for my generous donation. I don’t need recognition from people. I need to see a change.

So I decided on two charities that represent two incredibly large parts of me. World Vision Canada represents my belief in empowering youth and contributing to their well-being and future. I am currently a sponsor of a seven year old boy from Colombia. His name is Darwin Alexis. Half of what I’m donating would go to World Vision Canada and be used to sponsor as many children for $40 a month as possible. The second charity I chose to donate to is the OSPCA. I’m an avid animal lover, which is evident within my vegetarian lifestyle. I have also adopted a kitten thanks to the OSPCA. Knowing that I can contribute to the lives of children in need and neglected animals not only will make an impact in many lives, it will also represent who I am as a person.
Just some 'food for thought' as they say..

-Satisfy my Soul