Distance Has Brought Us Here.

This blog is going to be a bit more personal than others, readers...I apologize in advance.

Now that I'm home, family life and old feelings seem to be creeping back into view after I thought they were long gone. As a matter of fact, a lot of things I had forgotten about are making themselves known again. Normally, this wouldn't necessarily be a negative thing, but in this case, things were forgotten for a reason.

I know that in every family, there is at least one member that goes astray and refuses to acknowledge where he/she has come from. They don't admit to their mistakes and they overcompensate for their many failures by excelling in their career, or finding ways to gain attention. My family, like many of yours, readers, is no different. I would never say I'm ashamed to be a member of my family, or suggest that I hate anyone within my family. Do I resent any? I absolutely do. But the only reason I could ever feel this way about anybody that shares the same blood I share, is because they have caused our family pain and have engaged in the unnecessary severing of ties.

I am a part of a family who has members that will not speak to each other or acknowledge each other and because of this, I'm expected to do the same - burn the same bridges, feel the same bitter and hostile feelings, and to a certain extent, I do. But what's most tragic, is that I have immediate family that expects me to not have a relationship with a family member because my immediate family no longer has desire to work things out with said family member. In the end, this battle thrives off of loyalty, or lack there of. What upsets me is that even the innocent suffer in this battle. I no longer have a relationship with this relative, and the fact that this person was so willing to rid me from their life, hurts. I feel disposable, like I never mattered in the first place. I'd like to believe that karma will take its toll, but at the same time, I would never wish the pain he/she brought to our family on anyone.

I sometimes catch myself wondering if this whole situation could've been prevented. As much as I believe that everything happens for a reason, I also believe that there is no such thing as an 'accident', that each conscious decision leads to our actions. If this is the case, I don't know where to go from here. I still hold memories from my childhood in which this person was part of my life, and every day that goes by, is another day this person slowly fades away, even further into the back of my mind. I wonder if he/she ever thinks about me or the rest of my family; I wonder if he/she considers us to be 'family' at all.

In the eyes of my immediate family, we're done with him/her. However, I can't help wanting to fix things and bring everybody together again. I know it's not realistic, but I can't just give up on a member of this family...even if he/she has already given up on us.

"Crevices form within the earth, hesitance stands upon the turf. On one side you, the other, I; I await the moment where we both collide. So long you've been absent, yet so long you've been near...and now the distance has brought us here," -Satisfy my Soul