Don't Think, Just Feel.

I’m so scared. The first week of January is so close. Two months away. Why does time have to fly so swiftly? Just as things have been looking up in all aspects of my life. Why did I have to fall for something that I knew would eventually prevent me from falling for someone?

I feel so low. But I shouldn’t…and I know that I shouldn’t. These are opportunities that people would be so envious to have. I am living a life I am truly blessed to have the chance to experience. So why is it so hard for me to accept that this is what I’m supposed to be doing? Maybe because the time I spend with my loved ones has truly become the most precious thing in my world? Maybe because I fear not living up to the expectations others have set for me, or worse, not living up to the expectations I’ve set for myself. I only want to make my loved ones proud. But why is it that once I finally get something I’ve been longing for, something comes and tries to snatch it away, as if to say ‘this was never yours to begin with.’

The thought of being in a different country away from the people I care so deeply for, truly pains me. I feel an aching in my core that can only be compared to the feeling of loss. Because I feel that by leaving, I’ll surely lose the simplicity of my relationships. I may lose some relationships altogether. Certainly I believe that distance makes the heart grow fonder, and I feel closer to those I see less, because I crave them more when I’m away. But what if my relationships are threatened due to my career? I’ve always been so career-oriented, and now that my career is staring me in the face, and my relationships are standing over my shoulder, giving me the largest ultimatum, I don’t know where I stand.

-Satisfy my Soul